The Alchemist talks about watching for signs from the universe and the first time my mind tripped was in the ward that first time.   Lying on my bed, trying to process what had happened with no contact to the outside world I had a thought that I would never be happy again, which was all I had ever wanted, to be happy. Which, for a brief period I had been: genuinely happy, content and driven for the future and yet somehow now I was in hell. Thoughts of suicide flashed across my mind. At that exact time, my push button shower turned itself on.  A message to get up, clean up and continue.  I cautiously rounded the corner of the bathroom half expecting to see an apparition of a golden angel there.  Though the room was obviously empty.  I was told later by a patient that they sometimes run the showers to prevent legionnaires disease.  If true, you would have thought you would warn the mentally unstable of this!

They let me out with no meds and no diagnosis after just three nights.  That may have been it, I was horrified by what I’d seen, but it had been an interesting and eye opening experience.  I had seen segments of society I’d had no knowledge of before.  An apology was all I needed to make it okay. “Sorry we made a mistake, you’re fine”,

But this wasn’t what happened. 

The guy at my discharge meeting looked at me like I somehow got out on a technicality and was indeed deranged, not that this had been a huge miscarriage, and more distressingly work, which I loved, which I had a time limited proposal for, wouldn’t let me come back. Insisting that I was ill and needed time off. It was also the end of my marriage, from the day I was sectioned my ex husband, who had been bombarding me with messages, stopped communicating and with no communication, there is no future.    

Oh why am I still here lord 

I died so long ago 

Why do you make me tread this world lord 

Trapped in Deaths sorry 

The endless onward grind lord 

When I’ve already peaked 

That time you took my soul 

And put me back upon my feet 

I walk this world in silence 

A pain I can’t repress 

Wishing that death would take me 

Let my fake smile rest