I didn’t want to weave a web

I didn’t want to save the world

I didn’t want to scream and shout

Or turn my body inside out

I wanted just the quiet life

To have a job and be a wife

To maybe have a kid or two

And spend my life alone with Hugh

But life is strange and sticks and stones

Despite them words will break your bones

But words can change a life around

And put your feet back on the ground

And words with nothing left to lose

You have a life, you live, you choose

And now I choose my soul to bare

At least I’ll try, at least I care. 

I was sectioned before I got past the first chapter. 

It has been 8 years since then, I have been sectioned 7 times, my career has stalled and my mind unravelled so much that I have felt I have been visited by angels, which was somewhat of a surprise for agnostic little me. I have been desperate enough to buy medication from the dark web. I have lashed out and pushed people away while I have tried to hold onto a shred of sanity, all under the watchful gaze of the mental health services who caused a wound and refused to let it heal. 

If you could see my scars 

You’d know I’d been betrayed 

If you could see my scars 

You’d know that I’d been flayed 

You’d hide your kids away 

You’d tell them, “Babe don’t look” 

She’s so very damaged 

Some kind of hidden crook 

If you could see my scars 

You’d turn yourself away 

Hiding your repulse 

Unsure of what to say 

But you can’t see my scars 

So let us play pretend 

Until the scaring heals

Alright in the end. 

The dating profile was popular and attracted a man whose sexual fantasies matched my own and who, like me, seemed to share the same belief that things were not over and had a plan of action, though he would not tell me what it was.  We had the best, most debauched first date ever and I wanted more, but he wanted me to say that my plan would succeed. It was a good plan and I was excited for the future, but all I could say was I would try. To prove my confidence or just to indulge his own perversion, he wanted me to get a stranger to take naked photos of me to send to him. I modelled nude frequently at the time, but this was a hard no.  As we battled back and forth I had my first ever four day bender at the age of 35 – no sleep – no drugs either – a lot of booze and a lot of desire.

Seeing the world with new eyes, I experienced first hand how powerful sleazy people can sense a girl in distress and hone in on them in seconds. I often frequented pubs on my own and never experienced any hassle.  Never, until I became a bit unhinged, my sex drive going through the roof, wanting more than I’d got.  As I was traipsing down to Ashford to try and see the guy I stopped in an O’Neals for a burger and a pint.  Immediately a coked up CEO descended on me, buying me drinks and offering me cigarettes, feeling me up outside and inviting me to party and I was so horny I let it happen for a while, all the time I am thinking “This is what happens to homeless women”. I was not a homeless woman and he left me alone after I tried to convince him we’d be better talking over a game of pool and that I had the key to his relationship problems. I know, nuts right? The adventure continued till on day 4 I had a date I’d forgotten about with a guy who turned out to be a creep, who exacerbated my out of control sex drive rather than abated it and who I was sure was capable of rape.  I kicked off in the pub, deranged and sleep deprived and was arrested for drunk and disorderly.

I had seen how easy it was to spiral and how many predators are just waiting for a chance to prey.  I was a rabbit on a date with a fox and the police were the RSPCA.  

I act like the predator

But I am the prey

Don’t ask me why

God made me that way.

If they had called the mental health services on me that day it would have made sense, I probably would have gone with them willingly. I was scared and confused and also exhilarated. But they didn’t. 

They threw me in a cell and left me to scream and scream until all the tension and stress and fear was gone. Someone should give Chris, the second Lieutenant at Stevenage police station, a medal.  After screaming my guts out all night, he calmly and caringly walked me through the process of having my fingerprints taken.  His parting words to me were “Don’t worry, a lot of people who go on to do amazing things have records for drunk and disorderly”.   I felt seen and supported, I’d got my ex and this guy out of my system, it was time to start excelling and do those amazing things. 

Fun over, Mess over 

Buckle down and work 

6 days till the pitch meeting 

This isn’t time to twerk 

Do that on the Saturday 

At your amazing photoshoot 

Buckle down and make them proud 

Give the past the boot