This story starts in 2016.  I had recently split from my husband who I had loved since childhood, meeting at 4, parting at 8 and pining for, for 20 years till we were together again. Losing him emotionally to my best friend, a girl who, like him, enjoyed gardening and watching TV, two things I have never had an aptitude for.  Part of me thought they were better suited than us and more of me thought it was a separation needed for long term happiness. A time to work on myself, to grow into a version of me worthy of his best self and a time for him to realise what a shit he was too. 

The last year had not been good, characterised by deathly silent glares from him and tumultuous moods from me triggered by my own insecurities and knowledge that I was losing my diamond. Free from the stress of the relationship I felt a new lease of life and it was time to live my best one starting, of course, with a dating profile. A true and frank description of who I was. 

Hi, Hello,

I’m Poppy,

I’m a satellite engineer, I’m a very successful amateur model, I’m a nice person and will do anything I can for the people I care about. I judge on the person not the past, I know how to have fun, I can learn to do anything I put my mind to and I’m probably the best lay you’ll ever have. 

I’m also a complete and utter nut job who doesn’t know when to quit.  I don’t know my left from my right, I can’t spell for toffee, I struggle to spell toffee.  I need everything to be just right and simultaneously am incapable of keeping a place tidy.  I will drink wine at 9 am and tea at midnight.  I will forget to eat, I am incapable of lying to save people’s feelings (though I am working on this), I’m impatient, prone to stress and quite possibly bi-polar (I didn’t actually think I was bi-polar back then, but it sounded funnier than autistic and it was what my husband was accusing me of).

Extrovert me is wonderful, extrovert me is the one I want the world to see, because extrovert me makes people happy and gives me fabulous stories of muppet-ness to tell, but in reality I’m an introverted nerd who loves being on her own.

I’m not looking for anything serious, I’ve been hurt by people I loved, but if you think you can handle me it would be nice to have some company on my mission to make the world a better place.  I will promise you one thing, it won’t be easy, but it will be fabulous.

And fabulous it was going to be.  I was going to be the best version of me.  My mission to make the world a better place was called Operation Guardian Angel, and it mostly involved looking out for people, writing a book, kicking work’s butt and using sexual adventures to control the stress.. 

I intended to live a full and impeccable life navigating heartbreak and autism with the help of hard work and hard lovers, not meds and meditation and document it as the nerd’s guide to living. 

An insane idea, but one that would be fun and keep me occupied and maybe one that would impact the world.

Of course, I knew that I was insane 

It ever was the way 

But never did I mean to find 

So much anger, nor such pain 

  

But love hurts 

Plane flies 

Lullabies 

Your love destroyed my soul 

  

And now I need my medicine 

Because in the world of untold lies 

Truth hurts 

Judgement dies 

  

Deranged and random 

Messed up thoughts 

Three a.m. waffling 

Trying, trying – oh the loss

My separation happened to coincide with the Brexit vote which I was deeply affected by. The xenophobic and uneducated bullies had won, but the optimist in my thought that maybe this could be the start of an expert revolution because it had seriously pissed off anyone academic in the country and maybe, just maybe if the nerds like me could find their voice we could turn it into something good. I didn’t think a database and diary of my smutty life would change the world, but maybe they could place me as part of the narrative.