But I fucking hate my company, but I believe in a UK space industry and my company is the biggest company with the most interesting products there is and I want to be part of the science and I want in time to take my expertise overseas but I need expertise to be able to do that to compensate for my lack of language skills. And expertise is what I do not have. 8 years ago I was well qualified for my age. Over the past 8 years I have had so much time off work that I am now less qualified than I was back then and several years older with the additional financial constraints that entails. I do not hardly have a job because I am so good at what I do that hardly need to work any more as I had hoped, but because they simply do not know what to do with me. It is simply irresponsible business to make someone who could go off at any time with no notice, no time to wrap up and handover a single point failure and that is the person they have made me. Not once except the last when I was attempted murdered have I needed to go into hospital with no notice, and that time I actually did give them notice. People still ask me if I understand when I am becoming ill as if I have not three times been begging for help for months, I even self referred myself once simply because my sister asked me accusingly if I ever would. Took me a whole bottle of rum to pluck up the courage to take myself there, but I stumbled the 30 minutes and did it. 

Last time I tried to get myself committed, I could not get to the hospital myself. I was sober and was projectile vomiting by the strengths on my emotions and my cat was looking at me in ways that resonated within my soul.